Video Breakdown: Drew Stafford & Fu-Manchu Workouts

Jennifer sent us a link to this video and we could not stop watching it. It's better than a cliffhanger and four times as funny.

We decided to do the first ever Hockey Junkies breakdown of the video. Because we found so many things wrong/right with this video.

Fu Man Drew Workout - with Drew Stafford


01. The mustache. It's a thing of beauty with it's perfectly groomed corners and the slightly porntastic air to it. We bow down to it's awesomeness.

02. Drew's delivery is so monotone that you actually start to take what he is saying and doing seriously.

03. The cut-off shirt.

And it's Paul Gaustad's player shirt. With no sleeves and no mid-drift.

04. Roller blades. The transition from his skate braking to that bend-and-snap routine is Oscar-worthy Martin Scorsese stuff right there.

Nothing short of amazing.

05. 'All 4 One' Greatest Hits. On his iPod. We are not surprised at all by this selection. It seems like the perfect workout music to get your blood pumping and the adrenaline flowing.

06. HE'S WEARING SHAPE-UPS.

Did he steal these off of his grandmother? Does he plan on walking the mall later with a velour suit and wristbands? Because that's where he's heading, wearing those.

07. The Cat Scratch? Best exercise ever.

Really stretches out those hammies.

08. This is also the first instance that we see 'the man in the background' who we later find out is this crazy man named Jakub.

Total Creeper. (It took us all of five seconds to figure out who it really was. How could you take any longer?)

09. His face while doing the one-armed pull-ups? Ridiculous and sort of hot in some weird way. It's the fu-manchu that does it for us.

10. "Everyone's kind of afraid to tell him to leave. Think he might actually kill you."

Jakub.

11. Shake weight phase. Wow. We thought we were the only ones that went through that.

12. How he delivers the Superman dissing without laughing, we don't know. "Superman nano-resistant neck-holds." He doesn't even blink.

13. This stance.

The power he exudes is amazing.

14. He has found the routine that works for him and he does not plan on stopping.

We don't want him to. Ever.

-&-

And that was the Video Breakdown. Enjoy this little slice of crazy pie and yuck it up with Drew Stafford and his sexy cut-off t-shirt.

Date Night Friday: James Reimer

The Leafs seem to be in pretty good shape so far into the preseason. A few tweaks here and there but other than that, it seems like only good things are coming.

So we thought it would be appropriate to have a little date with the current savior of the Leafs, Mr. James Reimer.

And yes, the 'Mr.' is necessary.

-&-

Hi everyone, how are you? I am James Reimer, the goaltender for the Toronto Maple Leafs. That ain't a big deal though.


So, I was thinking about a simple date. Just something fun to do while we get to know each other, yeah? I was thinking we should go to Chinatown.

You may ask yourself, 'Chinatown? Why there?' Well, maybe because it smells like delicious food and there are brightly colored fabrics everywhere.

We can shop at the little stores and look at all of the cool things they have there. It's so bright and colorful, a perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Then after we shop, we can stop at one of those tiny restaurants with the paper lanterns and the Chinese ladies that barely speak any English but they smile sweetly at you.

We stuff ourselves full of Chinese food and then walk it off back to the car. It's a long, walking day but we had a ton of fun.

Or at least I think you did.

-&-

Did you like this simple date with Mr. James Reimer?

Was it something you would do again?

Let us know!

This Is Not A Joke

We repeat, the following article is not a joke.

The Dallas Stars will be signing Mike Modano to a one-day contract worth $999,999 so that he can retire as a Dallas Star.

This will be happening tomorrow at his press conference. This is by far the strangest yet greatest thing that has happened in this young season.

As Shanny said in the email, 'This is how it should be.'


Other news:

- The New York Islanders named Mark Streit as the captain. AWESOME!!! We are beyond excited about this. He is the first Swiss-born player named a captain.


- If you're looking for some fantasy hockey advice, NHL.com has who they think will be the sleepers this season.


- The Flyers signed Sean Couturier to an entry-level contract. Wooooo.


- Not to be outdone, the Blue Jackets re-signed RJ Umberger to a five-year contract extension.


- Dustin Byfuglien has been charged with four counts of driving while under the influence. He is our hero and that is why we're bad people.


- Realignment of the teams was the biggest discussion at the Board of Governor's meetings. Rumors abound that Nashville will be in the SE and Winnipeg will take it's place in the Central. Interesting....


- Kurtis Foster could be missing the start of the season due to another surgery to his thigh to remove a wire from the Torrey Mitchell hit of 2008.

Hurricanes Training Camp 2011

Thanks to Esbee for doing a write-up of the Hurricanes training camp complete with pictures.

We couldn't have asked for anything more.

-&-

Hurricanes official training camp started on September 16th with physicals and the guys hit the ice for their first official practice on Saturday the 17th.We have informal skates starting in August commonly known as “Camp Brind’Amour” but that name seems to have a bunch of busybody fans in an uproar this year. “He’s a coach! We can’t risk any impropriety with the NHL!” Don’t get your knickers in a twist. It’s an unofficial name. Players know if you want to make the team you go to Camp Brindy unless you are Jeff Skinner and you are busy touring the Big Apple with your Pops, making friends with Henrik Lundqvist, eating tree bark (organic only!) and drinking unicorn tears prescribed by Gary Roberts. (All unicorns supplying tears must be free-range unicorns and antibiotic free).


Anyway, I have not been able to attend any of the weekday camp activities due to the fact that I am a cube dweller, but I was able to hit the RBC Center for the Red-White scrimmage this past Sunday the 18th. It is part of our “Caniac Carnival.” We haven't had a Red/White scrimmage since 2008 when coach Lavi was still in town. While it wasn't a sellout like the Blackhawks event I thought there was a decent turnout. Ok the event was free and there were no tickets so you can't really sell out. Details, details. We did fill one side of the lower bowl and they had to open up more seating. It’s progress. I’ll take it.

The carnival started at 9am with wristbands being given out for autograph sessions. I did not attend as the lines were said to start forming around 8am and mama needs her beauty sleep. Mama had to wake herself up with an alarm just to be ready to go at 10:30. It’s good I didn’t attend, as I would have started dribbling out of the corners of my mouth and shaking. I probably would have asked Chad LaRose something inappropriate like "How OLD do I look to you?" I did see pictures of the sessions and know that a ton of players were on hand with pens at the ready. If I list them all we could be here all day…Jussi Jokinen, Skinner, Jared and Eric Staal, Tim Gleason, Jamie McBain, Tomas Kaberle…you get the picture.


The game started at high noon and was run like a regular game with musical introductions and the anthem. Unfortunately I was too late to get seats down close to the glass to evaluate the skills hotness of the players. Serves me right for going with a brother that needed to eat a hot dog and check out swag before going in. (No beer for us. Just barbecue…damned good cue…hot dogs and Pepsi products at our Carnival. Family atmosphere yo.) There was also a crowd of junior glassbangers down there and I could have erupted.

A lot of our "regulars" didn't really see much time on the ice during the game but Eric Staal stole the puck from Tuomo Ruutu and scored within the first minute. Staal was on Team Red and while everyone else cheered when he made the shot I damned near had a heart attack. Brian Boucher was in goal and we need him to be PERFECT this year. It took him a while to get his groove and it was unnerving to me. Cam Ward sat out the scrimmage with "upper body stiffness." So let's see it's September and Cam is already in pain. Oh and Chad LaRose and Patty Dwyer both got hurt Monday night in our pre-season game against the Sabres and sat out the scrimmage at Tuesday’s practice! Yay lower body injuries! They are supposed to be minor but who knows.

(l-r Jay “Blue Steel” Harrison, Staal1.0, Jokinen, Ponakorovsy, Kaberle)

Back to the scrimmage. There were lots of draft guys and players from our AHL Checkers in rotation i.e. guys that are trying make the squad, but they did play the vets some to please the fans. We had two Staals (Eric and Jared) and at least two Sutters in the mix (Brandon and Brett…maybe Brody…yes we have 3). There wasn't much of a showing by Jared Staal, affectionately known as "Tito" around these parts, although I noted he looked pretty scrappy in the first period (because I am a dork and took notes on my phone). I wasn’t able to get close enough to evaluate Tito on a more personal level.

(l to r -Dalpe, Tito, MJ, Joni Pitkanen)

Mike Murphy from the AHL Checkers saw some time in net for Team White. Mike has fantastic flow. He's a good guy and was the Checkers AHL man of the year last year! We also saw Checkers d-man Michal Jordan who is white, Czech and does not play basketball. I honestly only saw MJ with one big hit but apparently he potted the 2nd goal for Team Red. Brett Sutter knocked in the 3rd. (See why I was having a heart attack?) I also missed a goal by Skinner for Team White when I was scowling at a guy that didn’t understand not walking down the aisle when the puck is in play. For a person that took notes I sure missed a lot of stuff.

(l-r Boychuk, Murph, Marlie the Marlin, Terry)

Guys that stood out during the scrimmage to me were Riley Nash and Chris Terry from the Checkers. Nash scored two goals and Terry netted one. Zac Dalpe (who is the guy to beat for a spot on the NHL roster) scored as did Zach Boychuk. My boy Boychuk needs to step it up. He likes to chirp. I call him Chad 2.0. Blueliner Justin Faulk had a great game as well. He was all over the ice. Flow? Amazing.


I also noticed Ryan Murphy whom we picked up in the entry draft and just signed an entry-level deal with. He’s an 18-year-old former teammate of Skinny on the Kitchener Rangers. They have him paired up with 10’5” Bryan Allen who is showing him the ropes. The kid is a fast skater.

The final score of the scrimmage was 10-7 so yeah, that is why I haven’t listed every single goal. Also in net we saw Justin Peters aka Pete Dawg and John Muse formerly of Boston College who recently tweeted that he is getting sort of freaked out by Southern hospitality. Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.

The scrimmage ended with a shootout including shootout artist extraordinaire Jussi “The Juice” Jokinen, Jeff Skinner, Brandon Sutter, Tuomo Ruutu and Tomas Kaberle. Yes. Really. There is a reason you don't put your blueliners in a shootout. I guess it was more of a dog and pony show to trot him out in front of the fans. Eventually I will stop accidentally calling him Frank. I had a good time at the game even if there wasn’t really any defense. It was just good to see the guys on the ice again.


Random asides: I didn’t get to see Tim Brent that much on the ice. I know he was there but there were so many AHL-ers to follow that I couldn’t keep up. I lost my roster and had to borrow one from a little boy! Jim Rutherford was wandering around outside the carnival. All of our “activities” are for kids. (See: family atmosphere yo.) If you don’t like inflatables don’t show up until game time. Alexei Ponikarovky is a big mother effer.

Blackhawks Training Camp Festivus

We want to thank Jennifer for her write-up of the Blackhawks training camp craziness. One day we will venture out of PGH and go, one of these days. But until then we live vicariously through Jennifer's depiction of these events.

She has also attached a cute picture of the kiddie Hawks fans that were sitting in front of her.

We want to adopt them all. Now.

-&-

Hey, here's what happened! For real!

As usual, a little backstory...I'm operating at about a quart low thanks to a brootal work schedule and the change in weather so really the only thing I wanted to do with this weekend was SLEEP. But sure enough, my alarm went off at 6am (which is actually sleeping in for me) and as much as I whined to myself, I thought, "Hey Jenn, you already know what you're going to wear..." Yes, I did because it was FINALLY time to pull on my Hawks sweater again. To say it filled with me with glee would be understating the moment. After a cluster at the Starbucks (really, at 640am on a Saturday? Get it together folks) and a longish wait for the bus, I was on my way down Damen headed to the United Center. Some old dudes got on with their Hawks jackets on and proceeded to talk about how they hoped the Ice Girls would be there. Ew.

Got to the UC about twenty minutes before gates and there was a line down the block. Already. I guess the promise of a Sharpie bobblehead was so enticing for the masses they could barely deal. I had my girls coming from two different directions so the wait in line was tempered by the texts flying back and forth. The Hawks Training Camp is not just watching the team--you can also participate in a 5K run, a 10K rollerblade, some three on three ball hockey, blah blah BLAH. That's for losers who like to do stuff on weekends. Weekend MORNINGS too. Whatevs.

Get into the UC, it's 9am...and beer is being served. Oh, Chicago. Surprisingly I opt out, knowing the day will be long. Team A's practice is at 10am, followed by 2 ninety minute scrimmages and then Team C's practice and we had all planned to eat/drink afterwards so I knew the power of pacing. Since the event is open seating, I had already given up hope of finding sweet spots judging by the crowd but sure enough I see an entire section 118 behind the goal untouched. Say what now?? Even though my bladder is bursting, I walkrun to the seats and spread myself as widely as possible in an attempt to save them. Jessica arrives...and then Courtney not too far behind her as the peewees play under the tutelage of Edzo and Troy Murray (what IS it about peewees that makes me mushily maternal? It passes and quickly but DANG they are so freakin cute). Edzo's a great coach and Troy is playful and full of mischief with the youngsters so it's easy to pass 45 minutes watching them. In between Pat Foley (our legendary Voice of the Blackhawks) is interviewing various Hawks, most notably my Number Two Dave Bolland who looks really really good and is quite loquacious...my fave part is when he says how much he enjoyed watching the Canucks lose. Not very PC but oh, so very popular with the UC crowd.

(The place is sold out, btw--which means 20,000 people are there to see a practice. This town don't play.)

Team A comes on the ice for practice. Forgive me if I can't remember who exactly is on which team but that's because there's three teams and there's about 400 guys on each team. I start to wonder if I lost my invite in the mail. I will say that one word stood out to me, three syllables. MONT-A-DOR. Oh yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Of course when certain names like Crawford and Toews hit the ice, cheers erupt..the practice is similar to the many I've seen before but this time Coach Q is miked so we can actually hear what the plays are called and what he says to them (sometimes *wink*). Toews and Kane are on the same team which kinda bums me out cuz I'd much rather see them play against each other...but I soon find out why. As they're doing a shootaround, girls makes fricken fools of themselves whenever Taser or Kaner are nearby and Sharpie's interviewed from the bench, saying he wishes he was out there with the guys but his recovery is going well. He also takes some potshots at Kaner of course and Kane laughs them off. Can we please get these guys a 24/7 already?

Practice for Team A ends and Team B comes out for a warmup skate--first scrimmage is A against B. Kane skates off and is interviewed, saying he's just not quite ready for scrimmages yet but he's feeling good and his wrist is healing quickly. And we all notice a familiar name on Team B...yep, it's Baby Toews. Brother versus brother. This is gonna be good.

Because the Hawks always do it right, after the pregame montage but before the singing of the anthem (yep, the best in sports, don't hate--even at 10:30 on a Saturday morning in preseason), they have a moment of silence for Team Yaroslav Lokomotiv--and with 20,000 people, a majority of which are little kids, the place is entirely silent. Like hold-your-breath silent. So moving.

Ray Emery is in goal for Team B and right off the bat muffles some intense Duncan Keith slappers so we are all very encouraged. Not long after though a Taser breakaway leads to a top shelfer and we theorize you don't want to stop your (potential) captain. There's a missing element of hunger or scrappiness because after all these guys are all on the same team so in a way, ninety minutes can feel pretty long even when you've missed hockey for months and months. We amuse ourselves by wondering if anyone's told Taser this is actually a practice (but does Jonny ever really 'practice'?) and if he and his bro are chirping at each other in French. Q is smart/savvy and keeps putting them head to head so anytime Baby Toews gets the puck Toews the Elder is on him like maple on a leaf. They end the practice with a 5 on 5 shootout--Bolland scores as does Seabrook but Taser does not. I'm sure he immediately went into the locker room and punished himself by not hydrating. They flood the ice and we get ready for Team B versus Team C by trying to name all the guys we haven't seen yet.

When Team C comes out in the black jerseys, we all slap our foreheads in unison. Well, of course with jerseys like that Carcillo would be on Team C. During the warmup skate he's looping around like a vulture and there's a murmur in the crowd...do we like him? Do we hate him? Are we sure? I notice Stan The Man sitting in a box above us and I kinda want to go up to him and say 'Really, Stan, WTF?' Also on Team C are Stalberg, Ben Smith (the Hawks version of Jeff Skinner, we've decided), Jamal Mayers, and 65 other dudes. On Carcillo's first shift he's labelling the rookies into the boards and the crowd is beginning to make up their mind. On his second shift, he rams the rookie Bellig so hard and often that they nearly drop and go--and the UC is energized. Say what you will, this kid ain't stupid. I can feel the tide turning and I'm resisting until....I spot him singing along to Led Zep in the faceoff circle. Okay, dude, I think you've got me. You really got me. We do laugh that whenever he comes near Seabrook on the boards he gives him the most gentle shoulderbump we've ever seen--I hit strangers on the street harder. And curiously Billig and Carcillo are no longer on the ice at the same time. (As I write this the second day of Training Camp is done and according to the live Tweeting by my ESPN guy Carcillo did drop the gloves with some kid who clobbered Stalberg today. Awww, protecting the pretty. All accounts say he pounded the guy into next week.) The good thing about this is it makes the second scrimmage a bit more enjoyable because guys are hitting now--the scoring is a little waa-waa except Nick Leddy has a fantastic screened slapper from the hashmarks. During this shootout, the game gets tied at 2-2 and then there's a bit of hubbub on the benches and a pause...the PA announcer comes on and says, "There's been a late addition to Team C as the final shooter....PATRICK KANE!!" Predictably, the place is on its feet as he FLIES off the bench--like quite literally I don't think his skates touched the ground from the runway. And he hits center ice and is GONE...textbook perfect shootout goal. The UC erupts, Chelsea Dagger begins and Kaner celebrates like he won the Cup all over again. Not gonna lie, it was pretty sweet. (Also just in from today's scrimmage--Kaner on the ice, scored twice, totally and completely BACK and on FIRE.)

Due to headaches caused by starvation, we take a pass on Team C's anticlimactic practice and go off in search of beers and food. A good way to waste an afternoon and five bucks? Definitely. But it just makes me want the season NOW. NOOOOOWWW!!!!!

-&-

Hope you enjoyed this tale of training camp and wonderfulness!

Preseason Makes It Real

We watched the Toronto Maple Leafs battle the Ottawa Senators on NHL Network tonight and it couldn't have made us happier. The closer we get to the season, the better the days get. Or so it seems.

Also, we felt that it was appropriate for us to change the header since the offseason is over and we can stop whining about it.

Whatchu think? We never said we were good with Photoshop, just that we really enjoy abusing it for our own enjoyment.

Okay, onto other news.

First order of business, we would like to say that we will be awarding prizes for the top three of the fantasy hockey league that we have put together. It turned out that Yahoo wasn't the way for us to go so we found another site that was even better.

The top prize will be from this amazing website we found through Tumblr called Pucks & Pixels. We love the designs and the ideas behind the clothing. We're going to pick what the winner gets, makes it more fun.

The other two prizes will be things that we find that we feel are appropriate for who wins spots two and three. We feel that we have a pretty good handle on what each of you who are in the league would like and if not, we can always ask.

Okay, second order of business is what we have in store for tomorrow.

Jennifer was kind enough to document the Chicago Blackhawks first day of training camp and has sent us a write up. We will be posting that tomorrow.

And our third order of business is the news for the week. Since the season is starting up again, the news are coming fast and furious. It's kind of nice to have a lot of articles to link to again.

- Jarome Iginla left practice early after back spasms. This worries us.

- Marc Staal is dealing with some concussion symptoms after a hit that his older brother, Eric, laid on him. Now that's a competitive family.

- Everyone in the league received the new rule changes in video form this week. Some of the changes are interesting and we cannot wait to see them in action.

- The boys from NHL Live! have their predictions for the new season. Some of them are interesting.

If any of you have predictions (funny or serious) comment with them here or email them to us and we will include them in our Top Ten 2011-2012 Season Predictions coming out next week.

- And last, Patrick Kane being the ham that we love.

Rookie Booze Cruise: High Seas Drama (Episode #3)

Rookie Booze Cruise 2011: HIGH SEAS DRAMA


"Brayden, Brayden. Please. You're killing me. Remember when you were wearing that dog collar and Stevie was pulling you during the relay? Remember?" Gary Roberts is oblivious to his crewmates looking for him on deck. All he knows right now is Brayden Schenn - one of his legion of brainwashed blissiples - is confused at the Archie McPhee Superstore. He continues yelling into his circa 1986 beeper-cum-Maidenform-Smartphone: "And, and I was screaming at you that it was absolutely never okay - NEVER OKAY! - to eat canned ANYTHING?! Remember?!"


"Brayden - this isn't even a canned turkey. It's an INFLATABLE turkey. It's polyurethane, which is really REALLY hard on your digestion. Y'know what vinyl translates into on the ice, don't ya? It means stupid penalties and inopportune bathroom breaks mid-period. So put that inflatable turkey down, son. Have a garlic-chive kombucha, start chanting and call me in the morning." (click)

Gary puts down his monster beeper. "Goodness gracious great balls of fire," he mutters. "And I thought his brother was stupid..." He makes his way up the steps to the deck, reporting as summoned to Captain Recchi.


"Gary, the time has come old friend!" Recchi announces. "We need you to infiltrate the evil-doers aboard the Rookie Cruise as only you can, and pluck the Nuge at your earliest convenience! Our subject must be saved from himself and his peers as soon as possible! Are you ready? Can you handle this, Robs?" (suddenly everybody hears vague bugle horn sounds for some reason)




Gary is all over this. "Rex Pimp, you know you can count on me. It would be my honor to carry out this mission of mercy for you as your Frogman-In-Arms! I will ready the reconnaissance vessel directly..." The Geezers cheer him and proceed to the launch pad where the SS Cialis - a torpedo-armed marine-kitted Lear jet - is ready and waiting to Do The Deed.



Meanwhile, back on board the Rookie Cruise, Bobby flushes the toilet and pretends he's been taking a big dump to deflect suspicion 'cause Coco is looking at him funny. "Hey Coco, what's up?" A clearly agitated Bobby is pretending to put on hair gel and even a self-absorbed, constipated dumbass like Coco can tell something's up.

"Euh, d'rien mon ami mais -- you okay, man? What happened to your hair? C'est frizze comme -- Oh, and where should I buy a house in South Jersey? Giroux told me I should ask you 'cause you're an expert..."


Bobby is FREAKING and bzzz-bzzz. Bzzz-bzzz. The dreaded duckie vibrator walkie-talkie again. SHIT. He excuses himself and locks himself back into the exact same stall from 20 seconds ago.

"WHAT? What do you want?" Bobby whispers. Coco is blinking and thinking he's hearing things.

The duckie vibrator walkie-talkie is harder to make out this time. Maybe because of all the mayhem and merriment occurring on the other end. "BOOOBY!!! Hey, BOOOOOBY!!!" The cackling, chuckling and cacophony is ridiculous. Can't even. Don't even bother trying. Just look. They need no introduction. And be very glad you're not Bobby Ryan right now:










Cue the dreaded "Born Agains." Those stubborn, willful, bitter wannabes who wish they were perpetual rookies but of course they will accept that this particular celebratory cruise came many years too late and a dollar short for their class(es) to enjoy. Make no mistake: This Motley Crew will stop at nothing to crash the cruise as only they can if it's the last thing they do. Jeff Carter announces himself: "Hey BOOB! Jersey's in the house, bitch! This is the SS Fuck You Holmgren, OVER!" (laughter becomes shrieking) Patrick Kane can't hardly stand it and yells his two cents: "Yeah, come in BOOB! WTF, man? You've been like super quiet and shit. Haven't heard from you in at least an hour! Have you completed your mission yet, asswipe?"


Bobby is struggling to muffle the walkie-talkie so Coco can't overhear. "Will you guys STFU already? You're gonna blow it all before it's even begun! I haven't had a chance to plant the seed yet, but they're about to proceed to their next seminar and that's when I'll effectuate the transfer. Over!"


"Hey Silver - you there?" Ugh. This fricking sucks. It's Ryan "Gold" Getzlaf. "Um, YEEah I'm here, Getz..." Bobby can't believe this. "Silver, silver, silver... You better not DISAPPOINT us, eh? This is your BIG CHANCE to prove to the world that you're so much more than mere silver. You're made of GOLD! Right? Even if you can't WIN gold. You're cast from it. Because of good buddies like us. Now go do us proud, put down that purse you've been carrying and GET THIS SHIT DONE. 'Kay?" (click and Bobby rolls his eyes)


An air raid siren announces it's time for Biz's pet seminar devised especially for 2011's Rookie Kids: "Safety First: Demystifying AEDs In The New NHL"...

Biz has laid out practice automated external defibrillators (AEDs) for the boys to manipulate and play with accordingly. "As your Safety Director, I hope you know that I am 1000% committed to securing your safety and well-being aboard this cruise, boys. And I can assure you that this vessel is equipped with only the latest and greatest medical technology to keep you healthy and safe throughout your trip. (Skog, Hubie and The Nuge all smile in acknowledgment)

That's why we have conveniently installed security cameras in all the ship's washrooms, for example! Isn't it cool knowing that even when you['re trying to go number 2, you can rest assured that I have your backs and I'm looking at/out for you! (now the Rookies are looking at each other like WTF)

Please observe the AEDs - or defibrillators - for practice in advance of your certifications. You never know when you'll be expected to resuscitate one of your teammates without notice so it's always best to be prepared at all times, right?

"You guys are probably petrified of these contraptions, but really all you need to do is follow the automated instructions once you open the boxes! Just secure the pads like the diagrams tells you (opens the pads and sticks them on Zibby's chest for purposes of the demo) and then you grab the paddles and prepare to jolt -- Uh Oh!
Zibby what gives, bro?


Zibby's pads won't stick. Biz explains how come. "Okay, this is super gross but it's important! Remember that if your victim has ape-like chest hair, you'll need to shave him/her (ew) asap because the pad suction won't work if there's too much hair! No suction equals no shock which means CERTAIN DEATH!!! (the Rookies are laughing at Zibby and he's super pissed) The boys pair up, inspecting and shaving each other's chestals with epilators just to be safe. Dougie and Bob are bromancing anew and appear to be having way too much fun.

Suddenly, somebody lets a shock rip and an outbreak of gratuitous shocking erupts around the room. Guys are yelping and laughing like little spider monkeys. Pandemonium ensues. Biz proudly declares the demo a resounding success and says it's okay to go hit the refreshment stations. The giggling should have done everybody a world of good. But something is clearly very wrong.

Mudhoney's "(Touch Me) I'm Sick" video
"My tummy ached before and now it's like churning! I think I'm gonna hurl!" wails Zibby. Brooks chimes in as well: "Yah! Me too! I hef to go kaa-kaa like all da time and I am green like the Incredible Hulk!"

Hubie concurs: "My forehead feels hot and my saliva tastes like garbage!" Relatively newish dads Colonel Angus and Jumbo sweep in, feeling the kids' foreheads and holding their hands. A curiously oversized Slappy helps out by sticking thermometers up their buttholes. Quel Disastre. All of the Rookies have raging fevers and abnormally puckering buttholes. "Off to the infirmary!" announces Colonel Angus "This is a job for the elusive, mysterious Dr. Kesler, right Slappy?"

Meanwhile, in the bowels of the ship's boiler room, Double Agent Bobby walkie-talkies the Geezers and bong-pings the Born Agains that THE TIME HAS ARRIVED to commence positioning.

Nobody's particularly sure where "Dr." Kesler earned his medical credentials in such a big hurry, and what exactly constitutes his field of specialty. But he certainly deserves props for wearing glasses that make him look like an egghead, pecking his laptop like a science geek and practicing his pilates like a good little grasshopper.

"Welcome, my little sons. Come hither..." One-by-one, Dr. Kesler invites the Rookies into his examination room. He sings a magical Asian chant, and shows them the famous Bristol Stool Chart hanging on his wall. "So tell me which of these stool types best resembles yours!"

The Rookies study the chart and unanimously point out that their number 2's are type 7's (number 3's, if you will). "Hmmm - very interesting!" Dr. Kesler examines the Rookies' buttholes with sterile, NHL-sanctioned red-white-and-blue anal bead sparklers. He gags, prescribes five bottles of Pepto per Rookie and sends them to bed. "But watch out," he warns, "because the Pepto doesn't mix well with the peach schnapps and the Darvon under-the-tongue drops you should all be taking hourly for your fevers." Then, Dr. Kesler does a doula move

picks up his Batman crisis phone and makes the call for one remedy and one remedy only: GARY ROBERTS.

Incredibly (but not really), a wetsuit-clad Gary Roberts climbs aboard the Booze Cruise from the just-arrived SS Cialis rescue vessel.

Accompanying Gary to assess the crisis and make recommendations are his two super bored, "rehab-bound" interns, Matt Duchene and Logan Couture.


Gary doesn't mince words: "This is what protracted hours of eating, drinking and masturbating will do to you boys! (turns to Jonesy) Show me the kitchen, the servery and the buffet area!" Jonesy obliges and everybody is transfixed as Gary methodically puts his snorkel mask back on and slides underneath the sneezeguard that hovered over the burgers, wieners and corn-on-the-cob buffet from lunchtime. "I knew it! This sneezeguard is contaminated! Boys, come have a look!" Duchene and Couture yawn and check out the sneezeguard.

Gary makes the following brutal announcement to Jonesy: "I venture this health crisis could have been averted had you used my patented Gary Roberts Sneezeguard, which provides state-of-the-art protection to all foodstuffs. Here is my recommended course of action:
Effective immediately, a moratorium on all burger, wiener and corn-on-the-cob consumption;
No more food fights;
Servery sterilization and sneezeguard swap-outs;
A bowl of plain quinoa per Rookie every 3 hours;
A pot of detoxifying chamomile citrus tea per Rookie every 2 hours;
Two packets of Bio-Steel confetti grape Jell-O per hour per Rookie;
Aggressive utilization of the complimentary fart absorbers included in each Rookie's grab bag ("How fortuitous!").
Gary leads the Rookies to a special viewing room after their first round of treatment, where Duchene and Couture have set up a Pad Thai instructional video by "Vegan Heavy Metal Chef" to get their minds off their cramps.

The boys pass out at the tofu part and the Chaps carry them back to their bunks.

Everybody is sound asleep until Hubie bolts out of his bed, itchy and scratchy.
Dougie is now wide awake. "Dude, WTF? Are you having that recurring nightmare about Lars again?"

"NO, man! My feet have bibites marks on them and they won't stop itching! Ugh it sucks. I want to die. Oh and now I have to go ka-ka. Great! Maman!" Hubie dashes to the restroom. Dougie is half-asleep and still doesn't get what's going on until Coco yells "Ayoyie!" and grabs his ankle. "Maudites bibites estie!"

Then Lars starts crying and running around the room, flogging at himself like a psychopath.

"WTF you guys just STOP IT!" Dougie is freaking out, now. "You're scaring me!" Coco announces that he has numbed his bites with zit cream and everybody should try that just FYI. "What bites are you talking about?" asks Dougie. "What 'bit' you? I think you guys are crazy, man..." Marky-Mark has an answer for Dougie, though: "Dude, it's bedbugs. My parents told me to watch out for them in hotels. They're fricking bloodsuckers! So gnarly!"

A chorus of "ewws" and the Rookies escape to the plastic lounge chairs by the hot tubs on the top deck of the ship. Before tucking back in, Dougie finds a lost cellphone by the hot tub and secretly dispatches the following "anonymous" complaint to The Bedbug Registry:

Then he notices THIS at the tub-side Tiki Bar:

"OMG. The Nuge..."

END OF EPISODE 3