Some delusions are alright but not that.
Thanks to ChunkySids for this. It's pretty awesomely amazing.
-&-
Good Idea / Bad Idea – Seeing a Player Outside the Rink and the Female Response
Close your eyes and picture this scenario; you stroll into a semi-upscale bar and it is packed to the brim. After successfully dodging the girl in the milkmaid-esque dress carrying a foul sweet-smelling martini and a bunch of dudes standing awkwardly too close to one another, BAM! The traffic jam has become gridlocked and you are pinned between a table with a group of grumpy girls shooting daggers at you and wait… could it be? The Staal brothers?!
Do you stare? Do you scream? Do you introduce yourself? Do you turn around as you feel your face heat up to 200 degrees and there are a million pins pushing into it? What.Do.You.Do? Open your eyes, well I hope that they were open or it would be impossible to read that beautifully written and visual intro.
Luckily, I have experienced copious player run-ins living in a large market hockey city and have some fabulous good ideas and bad ideas to handle situations such as these. Being a rabid hockey fan and obliviously enjoying the many beautiful men the game produces, I have engaged in many good and bad reactions. So I give you, the first edition of Good Idea / Bad Idea.
*Please note players and situations have been altered slightly to protect my dignity, or what is left of it.
Scenario 1
It is 2am and you and a few of your closest friends are at your favorite bar. You get your drink and as you turn around, sitting on a chair in the middle of the open area like a Greek God on a pedestal is the reigning Norris Trophy winner, Duncan Keith.
Your draw drops and one of your friends, the one who cares nothing about hockey, notices and proceeds to drunkenly meander over to him, soon to make a complete fool out of herself and you.
Your inner girly-girl is now wrestling with the hockey fan, what do you do?
Good idea – Double check that you are not intoxicated first and politely excuse your dumb drunk friend. Introduce yourself and downplay the fact that your friend may have thrown you under the bus by telling him how much you love him. If possible, strike up a normal conversation then swipe your friend away. Be sure to tell him how nice it was to meet him. If he is engaging and you are feeling daring, offer to purchase him a drink.
Bad idea – You stumble to get to your friend as she yells “What’s his name?! Duncan?!” and him and the rest of his crew are already dreading your arrival. You notice that he is with Brent Seabrook, Brian Campbell, Dave Bolland and a few other Blackhawks and friends. You are getting more drunkenly excited and being a girl, you whip out your camera and start posing around the accomplished defenseman while being ridiculously loud saying “Oh my God!” and “I love us!”. It is not until the next morning that you feel complete and utter embarrassment and have photo documentation that it really did happen.
Scenario 2
One leisurely summer afternoon you and a friend attend the annual charity golf outing held at a nearby course. All proceeds go to a good cause and the weather is pleasant so there is no reason not to attend. As you appropriately stand near the tee-off at hole 10 you see this beautiful, tall and wildly sexy man coming your way. Both your eyes widen as you realize that Kris Letang and his hair that holds the recipe for panty soup, is at arm’s length away from you.
After taking some practice strokes, he turns in your direction and waves.
What do you do?
Good idea – Stay calm! Simply smile and tuck a piece of hair behind your ear. You are already slightly warm due to the weather but don’t let that amazing body of Letang’s make you rip off your sundress and hurdle the rope barrier between the course and you. Also, clap politely when he finally gets the ball out of the sand trap and onto the green.
Bad idea – In unison with your friend say “He’s beautiful” then start to wave back furiously only to realize that he was summoning his caddy who is behind you for a different club. You now look like an insane fool and will more than likely be mentioned by him when his teammates ask about the golf tournament.
Scenario 3
You just got a new job! To celebrate, you and two friends go to a bar in the city but alas, it is 1am and there is a line to get in. After awkwardly flirting with the doorman, you get in and literally run into a well-sculpted man’s chest. You pat his arm, shoot him a smile and apologize. He smiles back and takes his beer back to a circle of men dressed in suits. That is when you realize that you could have sustained an upper-body injury (concussion) from Johnny Boychuck.
The group he returns to is that of:
Patrice Bergeron
Milan Lucic
Blake Wheeler
and Zdeno Chara
A little star struck and still riding your new job high, you start doing shots with your friends and chasing them with rum and cokes because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Now you are brimming with liquid courage and giving the B’s squad “the eye” as you saunter over to their group.
What do you do?
Good idea – Just stop. You got to touch them, isn’t that enough?! Admire them from afar and if they come to you, then engage if you are in the right state of mind. You can happily tweet that you saw them and explain you did not want to make a scene.
Bad idea – You strut up to Chara and put your hand out for a hand shake. Being the nice men that hockey players are and bound to politeness by contract, he puts his hand out with a smile. However, you completely miss his hand due to your intoxication and end up grabbing his upper inner thigh. I do mean, super upper inner thigh. When you are braced against a $7 million dollar leg, you drunkenly recite “Congratulations on all your successes” in what sounded like Shakespeare in your mind but really was like you were speaking with marbles in your mouth. After that, it is completely awkward and you stand near them sipping your drink until you become more coherent to realize what you did. This vision haunts you to this day.
Scenario 4
Yes! You just scored tickets to the game tonight! Boo! Your favorite player is a scratch due to a minor injury! Thankfully he uses social media to express where he is and what he is doing. During the second TV time out, you decide to grab yourself a delicious helping of nachos and check your phone only realize that he has posted pictures of the concourse and is wandering around near your section. You feel the urge to find him even though you have no idea what you would talk with him about if you got the chance.
What do you do?
Good idea – Check to make sure you do not have cheese on your face and casually stroll around the area where he posted from. Instead of blocking traffic, stand back from the crowd and survey the premises. If your safari adventure fails, comment on his tweet/update about how you hope he’s enjoying your stadium and return back to your seat for some sexy hockey action.
Bad idea – Scream and drop your newly cheese-glistening nachos on the floor. You then respond to his update with something along these lines “I’m coming to find you”, “You’ve been spotted” or “Get ready to be ravaged in sec 319!” I understand it is the heat of the moment, but now you’ve been labeled an insane fan capable of athlete destruction. Not even the cuddly Fin would want to be seen with you.
The result; possibly a social media war with others and he will most likely never reply to you again.
Scenario 5
Your closest friend has moved into a swanky new apartment and threw an apartment warming party. There is a champagne fountain and you’d be a bad, rude friend if you didn’t partake in it while singing “Firework” on a constant mental loop. In the morning you find yourself severely hung over, hardly able to walk and your friend’s dog pacing the floor dodging the passed out bodies that are strewn about it. As it starts to whimper, you muster up whatever decency you have in that state and leash her up. Makeup smeared across your face, your hair askew and in a dressed that is perfectly complimented by an oversized hoodie, you wait for the elevator with the pup and then boom, the doors open and there is Ryan Getzlaf.
As if you are already not embarrassed enough, the second you walk onto the elevator, the dog just starts yapping uncontrollably. You are on the 47th floor going down.
What do you do?
Good idea – Shake off the fact that there is a small yipping machine at your feet and with every sharp noise your frontal lobe is crunching in pain. It is Ryan Freaking Getzlaf! Take a few floors to come up with some really fabulous line about how you’re taking the dog to the fur shop or donating it to deaf hobo. We all know that he loves a good laugh. Just make sure you at least attempt to look presentable or just put your hood up.
Bad idea – After heading down three floors you start yelling at the dog and grabbing your head in pain. You are starting to feel nauseous and there is a pair of beautiful icy blue Canadian eyes judging you. You turn to him and start to explain why you are not the bad guy in the situation but rather you are the savior of this dog and its owner. Soon you realize you are giving him a play by play of your previous night including the chorus of “Firework”. As you are clutching the railing in the elevator, glaring at the dog you wish you had “Bark Off” for and you continue to ramble drunkenly to him, Getz is looking for any reason to escape your negative and dog-hating clutches. He looks for the emergency button, a reason to get off earlier and even scoping out the overhead light to Mission Impossible his way out of the steel death trap. You finally reach the bottom, he darts off and the dog shuts up but does his business on the lobby carpet while socialite snobs are piling in for a lovely Sunday brunch. Perfect…
I want to hear what you would have done or if you could weasel your way out of the situation all together.
Which do you think I ended up doing? Any encounters you’d like to share? Lemme hear ya girls!
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