SILVER FOX: WIN A DATE WITH AN OLDSTER
NO SWEAT: ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM BOXING DAY EDITION
Have you been naughty? Or have you been nice? Eh?
NAME
Donald Stewart ("Grapes") Cherry
CURRENT POSITION
Officially: Co-host of Hockey Night in Canada's "Coach's Corner", brewpublican, author, fashion icon,video/telemedia celebrity
Unofficially: The Great White North's King Of All Media (i.e., Think Canada's Answer To Howard Stern, But With An Emphasis On Sport, Hearth & Country Instead Of Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll).
Loves hockey, Canada, loud-patterned clothing and The Baby Jesus. A LOT. In this grandslam 2010 holiday edition of Coach's Corner, Don takes a heartfelt timeout to remind us of The Baby Jesus' Birthday, and he downplays Bruce Boudreau's expletives in HBO's 24/7 debut episode because Boudreau never once "take(s) the Lord's name in vain." Hmmmm:
FORMER POSITION
Officially: Legendary Boston Bruins coach. Not So Legendary Boston Bruin. Spiffy dresser.
Unofficially: Hot-Tempered Psychopath. Gangster Suit Junkie. Compulsive Name-Dropper.
WHY HE'S AMAZING
In an era when hockey was losing a lot of its mojo for a bunch of reasons that don't matter now, Don gave it mouth-to-mouth and brought ballsack back to the sport. Even if you couldn't stand the way he shouted into the camera/at his players, maybe you hated the way he overdressed or were deeply offended by his opinions, you had to own up to the fact that he was fun to watch and even funner to listen to. That was what, 40 years ago? He's still at it today. Grapes loves his job and don't tell him otherwise. Hockey-ignorant travelers gawk at him when he's going through airport security ("WTF is that?"), and young guns like our Matt Duchene politely blink and pretend he's not spraying it when he's saying it while he's giving them The Most Critically Earth-Shattering Unsolicited Career Advice Ever:
WHY HE'S (STILL) SEXY AS HELL
He can't be sexy because he NEVER was sexy, but goddamn the old coot's charisma commands an audience. He OWNS the hockey media, plain and simple. Not many hockey players or personalities compel people to construct blogs/ongoing suit chronicles entitled, "doncherryjacketwatch" or find a way to be consistently soundbitten/quoted in the non-sporting media the way Grapes does. He finds a way to remain oddly relevant. Despite himself.
WHAT YOU WOULD DO ON A DATE
Always on the run, Don has managed to pencil you in for a hot holiday night on the town. You meet him at CBC headquarters in Toronto, where he greets you in coach garb (snow pants, baseball hat, egg timer, whistle) and corrals you into his office. He grabs your shoulders and plops you down at his desk in front of his 25-foot computer monitor. He stands behind you, and crouches down so his face is literally centimetres from yours, squinting at the giant monitor. He sets his egg timer to 2 minutes, blows his whistle, and commences barking commands at his computer. His voice-recognition enabled computer - with 50-point font - obliges him, bobbing and weaving to a website called, myuglychristmassweater.com (Motto: "Don't miss out on any of the ugliness!"). You are transfixed like never before. "I have no idea why they callit 'ugly', to be honest which ya," Don yells in your ear as if you're 1000 metres away. "…'cuz you're gonna see just how bee-uuu-tee-ful these things are, lemme tell ya! What we're gonna do is, for our date tanite, I'M gonna pick out a Christmas sweater for YOU, and YOU'RE gonna pick out a Christmas sweater for ME! Neat, eh?" His grin stretches from ear-to-ear, and you have no choice but to smile back and try not to look as seasick as your tummy. "Here, how about DIS ONE?! It's a sweater AND a dress! I think it's classy!" And yeah but no but... It's a Christmas sweater dress:
"Or maybe DIS ONE! It's got a 3-D light-up moose in the middle and a Christmas ornament on each side of your chestal area!" Don is crazy excited about this Mooseboob Sweater:
In desperation, you agree that the Mooseboob Sweater is the perfect choice just so you can pick his sweater and get the fuck outta his creepy office. Yay! Don is beyond ecstatic. He blows his whistle, resets the egg timer and yells, "YOUR TURN!" You select a brightly-colored "Happy Hanukkah" sweater as your first choice for him:
He looks at you like you've made him swallow battery acid. "I love da colors, but there's no way I can wear anything dat et-nic." Don solemnly shakes his head and blows his whistle again. "Since we've got a full night of festivities ahead, why don't I just pick one for me on your behalf, eh? See, now DIS one's fun and it'll show off my guns!" Much chuckling. It's a tartan-patterned "Holy Grail of Ugly, One-Of-A-Kind" REVERSIBLE Christmas sweater vest whose pre-owner was undoubtedly a regular patron at the celebrated Studs Bar:
)"Time oot, time oot..." Much gesticulating here. "On second thought, I'm gonna have to go traditional and opt for this classic sweater jacket with the most balls. It's classy and it has the most balls! BOB'S YOUR UNCLE! SOLD!"
You climb into your Christmas sweaters and the next thing you know, you've walked a few blocks to the Horseshoe on Queen where Don surprises you with comps to see Weezer! And just like that, you're beyond stoked and not at all worried about how stupid you look because guaranteed Weezer and everybody at the 'Shoe will look way stupider than you. At a Weezer show, it's a contest to see who can out-stupid best! I know, right? Who woulda thought Grapes listened to anybody besides Tommy Hunter (his desktop wallpaper!) or The Nylons. You realize you have temporarily "lost" Don, until you notice him blowing his whistle and crowdsurfing to "Undone - The Sweater Song":
Don has his hands full 2-fisting himself some Molson Canadian, and he insists on buying you a Weezer t-shirt at the merch stand. He blows his whistle and announces that fuck that, he can do better! He is designing his own t-shirts for the holidays: "Some of their logos 'n 'nat are a bit fresh 'n filthy, but they glow in da dark so they go perfect with yer wint-o-green Lifesavers!" (snort snort snort)
You taxi back to your place, where he sets his egg timer for a "30-minute warmup." Don starts to get very comfy, indeed, until he spots your brightly food-colored, freshly-congealed Sandra Lee inspired Kwanzaaaa cake that you have unfortunately neglected to stash away. Here's an evisceral breakdown of what it looks like, fyi:
and how it's "semi" homemade. Making it is nauseating enough. Eating it? That's just wrong:
BOB'S YOUR UNCLE! END OF DATE! Gesticulating, Don blows his whistle and falls off the sofa. He accuses you of listening to too much reggae and worshipping Satan because you "poked your reggae cake with black candles!", and then he lectures you about how sacrilegious Kwanzaaaa is because:
1) they leave out the part about Santa and The Baby Jesus:
2) Kwanzaaaa men and women wear ugly funny robes called "boo-boos" 'n 'nat ("Look how ugly! Look at dat! Who in der right mind would wear DAT? And look see he's listening to his reggae like I said..."):
and, 3) everybody knows there aren't any Christmas trees in Africa, eh?
Don blows his whistle and announces he is going to design a glow-in-the-dark holiday t-shirt "warning the faithful" about Kwanzaaaa. This is what he comes up with: "And it glows in the dark, eh?!"
"I'm gonna make some calls and make sure the League brass 'n 'nat get on dis!" Don barks all serious and blows his whistle yet again. "We in hockey gotta make sure we do everything we can to fight dis Kwanzaaaa and reggae cakes! Gotta sleep at night feelin' like we did everything in our power to stop it before it spreads! We'll start with HFK t-shirts and den move on to HFK tie clips, God willing. Oh, Dougie Gilmour's gonna look SMART in these, eh?! HO, HO, HO!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BABY JESUS!!!"
He forces you to "model" his HFK t-shirt while you watch Team Canada's Boys Kick Some Commie Ass in WJC finals reruns.
MERRY CHRISTMAS Joyeux Noël FELIZ NAVIDAD Fröhliches Weihnachten HAPPY CHANUKKAH Happy Kwanzaaa HAIL SATAN and May The Force Be With You Always!!
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