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TEAM THUNDER BAY v. TEAM SWEDEN
THE 2011 ASG TEAM CAPTAIN VOTE: DECISIONS, DECISIONS
"WHAT WOULD ERIC STAAL DO?"
Good Day, eh! Eric Staal, here! What's happenin'?
Oh man everybody. I am SO excited! Today is the day I finally get to pick my dream team for the 2011 All Star Game, taking place in my real-life hockey hometown of Raleigh, North Carolina! Finally - FINALLY - yours truly is in charge and everybody has to do what I say! Fitting, because Eric is the Viking word for KING OF ALL. Right? But I digress!
)This is gonna be so awesome. Of course, I'm already captain of the Hurricanes, but it's nowhere near as fun as being captain at the ASG. As long as they're on my team, I was informed that I can pretty much boss around any dipshit a-hole I want! So I better pick some winners, eh? HA!
FIRST THINGS FIRST:
Rest assured that there will be absolutely NONE of THIS happening this year:
Like I said, this time around I'M in charge. And I'm also wearing buttfloss this year so no more extreme mooseknuckle close-ups (har har har). Anyway... Crosby's sitting out the trip because he's injured and there's no fricking way I'm picking Ovie for my team so don't even ask. No more awkward photos like this. Promise! Okay, here goes:
FIRST THINGS FIRST, PART DEUX:
"ASS"ISTANT CAPTAIN MIKE GREEN: I don't get why the League "gave" me two assistant captains. I coulda picked them myself, eh? So I gotta do some housecleaning before I can even start picking. I'm gonna have to DONATE Mike Green to Team Sweden. Let him play on a line for them with "Lurch" Chara - somebody else who I'm totally NOT picking.
Instead, we want Charo. Not Chara. CharO. Coochie-coochie, bitches! And welcome to Team Thunder Bay! Give her a hand, everybody! (applause)
"ASS"ISTANT CAPTAIN RYAN KESLER: Ditto the donation deal. He's a good player but he's a fucking annoying primate and he really pissed me off at the Vancouver games last year. Practically a baboon. He's all yours, Nicky!
OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG SNACK: Since Team Sweden got dibs on the Swedish Chef
and his gourmet reindeer wieners
it's only fair for us to pick poutines as our official Team TB ASG Snack:
Reindeer wieners. That's just wrong, dude. Who eats Rudolph? Oh yeah, the Abominable Snow Monster. Think we're afraid of you, Forsberg? Think again! (somebody yells, "oh no you dint")
Team TB's got its OWN "secret weapon veteran" kicking it old school. From somewhere back in time, we select Sally O'Malley. And she's 50. FIFTY YEAAZZZ OLD:
OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG MASSEUR/HOT-TUB JET PROPULSIONIST: I must seriously fuck with Team Sweden's moj by picking DANIEL Sedin as our official masseur/hot-tub jet propulsionist. (whoas from the crowd) It wouldn't be right to play him opposite his 'bro, and Swedish people are better with massages and hot tubbing anyway.
OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG NATIONAL ANTHEM SINGER: Geddy Lee from Rush is our natural choice for national anthem singer. (crowd goes nuts) Even if ABBA has a better phonetic command of the lyrics to our anthem, c'mon they're just vacuous robots.
OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG BETWEEN PERIODS BAND: Three words: B-T-O. ABBA? WTF? B-T-O.
OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG THEME SONG: "Go For A Soda" by Kim Mitchell. (crowd goes whooo) He's huge in cottage country and my parents first made out to "Patio Lanterns" way back in the early '80s.
OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG ORGANIST: Paul Motherfucking Shaffer people! (applause) Yes!
)Paul is a hockey fanatic and is Thunder Bay's most famous celebrity. And he's already an honorary Lakehead University Thunderwolf. Watch Team Sweden try to "compete" by bringing that chick from Roxette or something! LAME!
OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG GIRL SCOUT COOKIE: Tagalongs! Jealous much?
OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG HOME & HARDWARE OUTLET: You pick IKEA, eh? Team TB picks Canadian Tire! Take that, Toews -- a/k/a another Team TB REJECT. Sorry, dude.
OFFICIAL TEAM TB LEISUREWEAR OUTFITTER: Okay so Henrik Lundqvist talked me into this but it was the only way he'd agree to being on our team (shhhh)... But check this out... There's this lady who makes custom-designed embroidered clothes for Ken dolls at her house. Cool, right? She puts snowflakes and shit on doll pants:
Link.
Lundqvist recommended that Team TB commission her to design custom "leisurewear" for the ASG! 'Cause it's more important to look good than to play good in his world, eh? (crowd is befuddled)
GOALIES: I already gave away that I'm picking an actual SWEDISH DUDE for Team TB, and that would be King Henrik Lundqvist. (cheers) He's actually a "Rangers twofer" with my brother Marc, and when I agreed to the leisurewear thing it was a done deal and Lundqvist was IN! Jackpot!
Cammie - welcome, broseph! Ward is mine mine all mine! (yays from crowd) When he's in full extension crease mode he's practically Gomez Addams:
DEE FENCERS: I'm don't have to remind you all that blood is thicker than water. But it is.
First D pick is my little brother Marc. (pandemonium - everybody takes a jello shot) Not only has he got a face only a mother could love, but it's a face that not only a brother could bring himself to punch. Smooch, baby.
Next D pick is Brent Burns. Duuuuddde! Tasty. Aw yeah. Brent is best "buds" with Dr. Bongenstein, so I'm picking him for his connections AND his talent. (har har har)
Gotta pick me some Buffie next cause Team TB needs some bulk and some brown sugar! Hey, Buff. Gimme five, man. (crowd goes NUTS)
Like I said, we need some bulk so we're continuing with that theme by selecting Shea Weber! (Beatlemania-esque squealing and pee puddles all over the venue) Hell yes to the hardest shot and the wasboardiest abs in the league.
FORWARDS: Patrick Sharp, you gorgeous bitch you. Come to Papa! (more squealing) The ladies would hate me forever if I saved you - a fellow TB native - for last. If Burish was available I'd have another sweet twofer:
Matt Duchene, c'mon down little fella! (ditto with the squealing) Is it just me, or does it feel like a Jonas Brothers gig in here? (har har har) This bastard is living up to his hype and I like that.
Patrick Kane - hello, Kaner? (Sharp is snickering) What? He's out back with Burns getting a consultation with Dr. Bongenstein? Makes sense. Right on.
Bienvenue a TB, Danny Briere! Quebec and Philly represent, after all! (boos and the odd squeal from the crowd) This scumbag has mad skillz and he won't take shit from anybody and I like that.
Open wide and say "ahhhhh" to Logan Couture! Welcome, man. It's nice to finally match up a face with the choppers, so to speak. Team Sweden's guys have tiny teeth so Logan will be a killer distraction on and off the bench.
From one rookie to another - get up here, Tyler Seguin! (EMT's are dispatched throughout the room) Look at you modeling your Dunkin' Donuts duds, man. Crafty little pipsqueak and you're not even what, 19? Careful girls: I heard he likes the powdered sugar! (har har har)
Well, it looks like we've run outta time and like I can't think of anybody else I want on my team right now. I believe I have assembled The Raddest ASG Team Of All Time if I may say so myself. So if it's okay with you, I'm gonna take off and catch Dr. Bongenstein before he leaves 'cause my jaw hurts and my ears are popping from all this public speaking I've been doing. Somebody go get Daniel to start up the hot tub jets for us!
Peace out everybody, and best of luck to Team Sweden 'cause you're gonna NEED it, suckas! Go Big Thunder!
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