Stanley Cup Finals: Game One

Mouthguard gave us this great idea to recap the games that we saw and not the games that actually happened since this Finals isn't as interesting to us as other years.

Well, she went ahead and did the first game and we think it's a fantastic representation of what we saw.

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WHAT SHE SAID:
THE 2011 STANLEY CUP FINALS REENACTED BY FOR REAL (and not currently bogus) READY FOR PRIME TIME PLAYERS!!!

Hey, hockey fans! What did you think of Game 1 of the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals? The dust has settled since Wednesday, and now you're likely twiddling your thumbs, waiting around for Game 2 on Saturday, right?

You probably thought you were watching the Vancouver Canucks and the Boston Bruins battling furiously to win in Vancouver, didn't you?

And no doubt, your eyeballs told you that with less than 20 seconds to go in the third period, Raffi Torres swatted one past Tim Thomas and the Canucks won, eh?

Well the thing is, as much as you're absolutely right you're also utterly and completely wrong. Game 1 was an annoying trip to the dentist because the teams are a pain in the ass, the players are ugly and let's be honest: Nobody cares about the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals. It's okay. It's me talking here, on your behalf. 'Cause I calls it like I sees it and I could care less what anybody thinks.

Everybody knows we're all bored and disappointed, and we're fantasizing about a billion alternate scenarios for this bitch just so that next season can get the party started already.

Wouldn't it be easier to take if for real - as opposed to the currently bogus - players "reenacted" the key action in each game? Of course it would!

So here's what really happened, sweetie darlings. Here's how it all went down:

- Relax. It's not 2011. It's 1995!!!

- With less than 20 seconds to go in the third period, Vancouver's PAVEL BURE (LW) scored the GWG on Chicago's ED BELFOUR!!!


- Ed felt super bummed by this, because the night before he had gone to considerable lengths to befriend, woo and intoxicate Bure, Mats Sundin and a bunch of other 'Nucks in a vain attempt to give them tin foil Goldschlager hangovers in time for Game 1.
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This lame ruse was Doomed As Doomed Could Be, as Ed Belfour's hero Ed Grimley used to say, because

- If anybody ever understood how to hold his liquor and keep the party going it was Pavel Bure: You know, the impossibly pretty, Mr. Third Cousin To - But Thrice Removed from - the Tzarina.

It's never a good idea to try to get a Russian shitfaced, thinking this person will somehow not be able to function as per usual the next day. WTF?

- Holy Donut Cake, Mr. Ed.



There.

Isn't this just so much better than what you THOUGHT you saw Wednesday night? But I could be wrong. What did YOU think YOU saw during Game 1?

Choose your cast members wisely, because in the glory days players got a fresh series of rabies shots before the playoffs which effectively renders the Alex Burrows love bite on Patrice Bergeron historically impossible/moot.